White + White = Black

We get a lot of things from our parents. Our eyes, our hair, our body type, etc. I have heard that I look like my dad ("You must be Henry Braun's daughter") and my mom ("Your Alice's daughter, right? You look just like her"). We are better at one thing than another, like math or english or mechanics. Some things are taught but some of it just comes in your genes. Before Kellin and I started planning to have kids, I would wonder what they would look like. What parts of Kel and what traits of mine would come from the two of us.

I definitely get my math skills from my dad. I wouldn't say that I love math, but I like it. I'm a logical person and math makes sense, 1+1=2. I have alway seemed to be able to get math. In the last few years, I have learnt to be less logical though, with the help of my husband and the fact that life doesn't always make sense and add up to the right equation. In life, 1 plus 1 doesn't always seem to equal 2. Sometimes, it equals 3 or 1 or 0. Sometimes blue and yellow equals green. But sometimes it equals red or purple and we don't know why. Sometimes white plus white equal black.

I have been thinking a lot lately about our children in Ethiopia. When a baby is born here, one of the first things people say or ask is "Who do they look like?" Whether people think that I look like my mom or my dad doesn't really matter but it identifies me. It will be plain to see in our family that our children where not born to us. Although Kellin can get pretty dark during the summer, I am white (although I am very proud of my watch tan that proves I have some color)and neither of us will be anywhere close to the dark brown of our children. Although my hair is curly, Kellin's is straight, but our children's hair will so curly, unlike anyone of us. I have learnt a wonderful thing from my neices and nephews and that is that even though they come from their parents, they can look like others and have personalities that are very different from their parents. I have one neice in particular who reminds me of Kellin. From the way she bugs her brother, to her love to make people laugh, as well as many other things. They seem to share a special bond with each other and it isn't just because of their genes, it is just how God made them.

So, just like life doesn't always add up, God can make it beautiful. Just like when a man and woman get married 1+1=1 and when they have a baby 1+1=3, 0ur adoption is allowing one white mom and one white dad to have two black babies. And, although they will look nothing like us, God has created them and has them hand picked to be part of our family because that is what he designed.

"Born in our hearts, not in our wombs"

Not sure where this quote is from but I love it and it perfectly describes where my children are now. Though they are not with me and may not even be born, they are in our hearts.

Agency Bankrupt

So, most people have probably heard about the adoption agency that went bankrupt. First of all for those of you who don't know, our adoption is going through CAFAC (Canandian Advocate for the Adoption of Children), so it was not our agency that this happened to. It is so devastating to hear about and I can only partly imagine what these families are going through. The only way I can describe it for people who have kids, is that it would be somewhat like carrying your child for nine months and then losing them at the end. My heart goes out to these families and hopefully the Ontario government, as well as Canadian adoption agencies can help out these families so that all is not lost. Remember these families in your prayer.

The Broken Road

Sometimes it feels like a very lonely road when everyone around you is having baby after baby after baby. People don't really ask anymore, but we used to get questions all the time like "when we were going to have a family?", or comments like "you guys are next to have kids". I wanted to tattoo my forhead with "Don't Ask!" or where a name tag that says "Infertility". There have been times when it has been so frustrating because when I would get together with other women that was all they talk about, between pregnancies and labour to the latest thing their child has done. I have always felt like an outsider looking in.

I haven't experienced childbirth, or morning sickness, or a miscarriage, or any of the discomforts of pregnancy. But on they other side, I've never felt the movement of life living and growing inside of me. I've never held my newborn baby after carrying it for nine months and knowing that this child needs me and I created it. I've never had a child come to me after being hurt and wanting a kiss because only mommy can make it go away. There is bond between children and their mothers that I see in those around me, a bond that I long for.

I hate to admit it but I used to wished that all women would experience difficulty getting pregnant so that they would know what it was like to be on this side of things. But when I really thought about it and the pain I have felt through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is like saying everyone should lose their parents at a young age, or have a close friend die of cancer. It is hard and painful, and how can I wish pain on someone else.

So, why do I struggle with getting pregnant when others don't even need to try? This is the question I have asked myself for a long time. I don't know the answer, at least not the whole answer but I know that there is a reason and that God designed me this way.

One reason that I believe that we have had this stuggle is so that we can adopt our children from Ethiopia. God has 2 beautiful children waiting for us that are going to be perfect for our family and it feels like they are taking forever to get here, but it is in God's timing.

Another reason that has become so evident to me over the years is how many people we have met and been able to make connections with because of our struggle. As much as it seems and feels like we are alone on this road, especially since just about all our friends have families now, there are others who are struggling with this as well. In the past, I have really struggled sharing about this with others and I just held it inside. But I have been so blessed by hearing others struggle with infertility and how they are dealing with it and I hope that I can do the same for others.

I heard of a couple who has not been able to have kids and how bitter they have become because of it. I saw in myself how bitter I was becoming. It made me angry at everyone for something that was not their fault. Bitterness is so ugly to people looking from the outside, but also on the inside and is an easy road to go down and hard to climb back up. But the more I shared with others and realize the blessings inside of our struggle the easier it was to accept.

I love the song "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts. It just reminds me that all the roads we are on can help shape us and make us into better people and bring us back or closer to God. Too often we are too busy looking at the road to see the beauty around it.