The Broken Road

Sometimes it feels like a very lonely road when everyone around you is having baby after baby after baby. People don't really ask anymore, but we used to get questions all the time like "when we were going to have a family?", or comments like "you guys are next to have kids". I wanted to tattoo my forhead with "Don't Ask!" or where a name tag that says "Infertility". There have been times when it has been so frustrating because when I would get together with other women that was all they talk about, between pregnancies and labour to the latest thing their child has done. I have always felt like an outsider looking in.

I haven't experienced childbirth, or morning sickness, or a miscarriage, or any of the discomforts of pregnancy. But on they other side, I've never felt the movement of life living and growing inside of me. I've never held my newborn baby after carrying it for nine months and knowing that this child needs me and I created it. I've never had a child come to me after being hurt and wanting a kiss because only mommy can make it go away. There is bond between children and their mothers that I see in those around me, a bond that I long for.

I hate to admit it but I used to wished that all women would experience difficulty getting pregnant so that they would know what it was like to be on this side of things. But when I really thought about it and the pain I have felt through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is like saying everyone should lose their parents at a young age, or have a close friend die of cancer. It is hard and painful, and how can I wish pain on someone else.

So, why do I struggle with getting pregnant when others don't even need to try? This is the question I have asked myself for a long time. I don't know the answer, at least not the whole answer but I know that there is a reason and that God designed me this way.

One reason that I believe that we have had this stuggle is so that we can adopt our children from Ethiopia. God has 2 beautiful children waiting for us that are going to be perfect for our family and it feels like they are taking forever to get here, but it is in God's timing.

Another reason that has become so evident to me over the years is how many people we have met and been able to make connections with because of our struggle. As much as it seems and feels like we are alone on this road, especially since just about all our friends have families now, there are others who are struggling with this as well. In the past, I have really struggled sharing about this with others and I just held it inside. But I have been so blessed by hearing others struggle with infertility and how they are dealing with it and I hope that I can do the same for others.

I heard of a couple who has not been able to have kids and how bitter they have become because of it. I saw in myself how bitter I was becoming. It made me angry at everyone for something that was not their fault. Bitterness is so ugly to people looking from the outside, but also on the inside and is an easy road to go down and hard to climb back up. But the more I shared with others and realize the blessings inside of our struggle the easier it was to accept.

I love the song "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts. It just reminds me that all the roads we are on can help shape us and make us into better people and bring us back or closer to God. Too often we are too busy looking at the road to see the beauty around it.