It has been a while again since I have blogged again. I haven't really known what to update about our adoption, it is still in the waiting process and will be put on hold once the baby is born.
Kellin and I have talked a lot since we got pregnant about the "page" that has been turned. Since we never thought that we would get pregnant, we had pretty much prepared ourselves for being parents through adoption. I had been working through feelings of never being able to experience being pregnant and all that goes with that, and though I don't know if I would have ever fully have dealt with that, I had peace about it at that time. I knew that I would be a mother one day and each day was getting me a little closer to getting our children. I think I have mentioned earlier about the experiences and people we have met through our infertility and been encouraged by others experiences and hopefully been able to encourage them.
And now we are in a different place. This may sound funny or weird, but it has been a hard transition. This is the very thing that we have dreamed about and wanted for four years together and for my whole life and yet I feel bad about it. Don't get me wrong, we are very thankful and this is such an amazing gift. But we are just overwhelmed and don't know why God blessed us with this and why are there so many others who can't get pregnant and don't get to experience parenthood.
It is hard to compare what we are feeling but the only example I can think of is this: It is like we had a disease of some kind, one that may or may not be cured. And in that experience we could identify with others who shared this same disease. Feel the same pain and know the uncertianty of it. Now it is like we have been cured of this disease, not knowing why we were cured and some others weren't. How do we give hope to others with infertility when we know people who have never been able to have children. We can't say "it will happen to you" or "it is in God's timing" because that may not be God's plan for their lives and we don't know or understand why. It isn't about deserving to be a parent or how good you would be or how much you want it. I don't know why God allowed us to get pregnant and why at this time and not 4 years ago or in another 4 years. I don't know if the people I know who are struggling with infertility will every have kids. I used to pray even more for them than I did for myself because I knew we have our adopted children coming to us. And I continue to pray often for them that they will be able to have children, probably even more now that I have experienced it.
If I could be in control of it, what would I do? I don't wish the pain of infertility on anyone, yet if it was harder for people to get pregnant and had to be a conscious choice, would we have more loving and caring parents. Who knows and I'm glad I don't make those decisions. I just have to remember that God's plan for our lives is good and even though we don't understand it, his plans are better than ours.Well, that is just some of my thoughts.
I am so glad that God gave YOU a miracle, not because you deserve it, but because you have allowed God to mold you into the kind of couple that will be awesome parents, He will use you and your family for so much good! maybe He'll use me, or others, for a lot more good without children. It's up to each of us to trust God every step of our journey, we all get our blessings at different times in different ways, have peace in yours.
ReplyDeletelove you!
Lori