Meeting with our Social Worker

Like I mentioned in my last blog we are still planning on adopting. God has put it on our heart and we believe that is what God has called us to do. However, now that we are pregnant, it is going to look a little different.

At first, we hoped that we would be able to just continue the process like it is right now. We had anticipated that by next year Christmas we would have a referral and be able to pick them up next spring/summer. We knew that the province wanted us to wait a year between big events (like pregnancy) to adjust to our new situation, so this would work out perfectly. By that time, our baby would be about a year already, and although this would be very crazy, we still can't wait to bring home our children that we have been waiting for, for so long.

Last week we had a meeting with our social worker for our yearly update on our file. At the meeting, we found out that we can't adopt the way we originally planned too. We were going to adopt siblings, one 12 months or younger and one up to 4 years old. We found out that, not only do they want us to wait a year, they want a year between this child and any that we adopt. They also want to keep the birth order, so this baby has to be the oldest child because it is coming into our family first. What this all means is that the earliest we will be able to adopt is when this baby is about a year and a half and if we still want siblings, then we will adopt twins or we will have to wait a couple years longer.

For now, we haven't had to make any decisions, but we will have to make some tough decisions soon. We have to decide whether we want to adopt one at a time now, just twins, or still siblings like we had originally planned. We will also have to decide if we are going to continue to try and get pregnant again, if we are able to. If that happens before the adoptions, then it pushes everything back again and if we try after, we don't know if it will ever happen again.

So, although this is a very exciting time for us, we don't know when we will be able to get our adopted children. We will just have to continue to trust God. He gave us this miracle at this time and He's the only one who knows what the future is going to look like.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8,9

Miracle

Well, it has been a long time since I have blogged, again. I just have so much I wanted to say and not sure how to put it all in, so I'm going to split it into two blogs or maybe 3.

The week before Thanksgiving, we found out that we were pregnant. Like I have mentioned in other blogs, we never thought we would ever be able to have biological children, so this was quite the surprise and our little miracle. We had no clue how far along we were because it had been over 2 months since my last period. I had been pretty regular for the 5 or 6 months before this, but because of the stress of moving and the changes in lifestyle, I figured that this had caused my irregularity. So when we found out, we could have been anywhere between 3-9 weeks along.

At our first doctors appointment, she wasn't able to find the heartbeat, but she said it could either be because we weren't far enough along or because my uterus was tilted backwards, which would make it harder to find. So she sent us for an ultrasound to find out how far along we were. We really didn't know what to expect at the ultrasound, but we figured we would at least leave with some information, like how far along we were. We were told nothing and we were scared that something was wrong. I tried to call my doctor to see if she had heard anything from the ultrasound technicians and she wasn't in the office because she was in the ER that day. She called me from there and told me the news. We were 7 1/2 weeks along and the baby was sitting too low, barely in the uterus, and if it didn't move up, we would most likely miscarry.

Well, after many tears, Kellin and I decided that we needed to tell people about it so that they could pray for us. We told our families and friends who had been praying for us for a long time and trusted God that everything would be okay. This was not an easy thing to do because we really didn't know what God's plan was for this. The day we found out, I opened my Bible to Isaiah and found the title "A Promise of the Lord's Protection" and I began to read Isaiah 54. After reading the first verse, I burst into tears and could hardly read further. It talks about a barren woman singing and shouting because you will have more children than others, make your house bigger to get ready. God is all-powerful so don't be afraid or disappointed and it ends with the Lord, my protector makes this promise. I just felt God's peace come over me and we just trusted him for the next two weeks while we waited for the next ultrasound.

Two days before our second ultrasound, I started bleeding, not a lot but we were nervous. My doctor told me to call her if I had any bleeding, so I called her on monday morning and they told me to come in for a needle because Kellin and I have opposite Rh factors. So we rushed to Steinbach and got the needle and the bleeding stopped almost right away. The next day we had our ultrasound and we were so nervous. Since last time we heard nothing, we didn't expect to find out much but we wanted to at least know that there was a heartbeat this time before we left. This time it was a very different experience. She told me how big our baby was measuring (1 inch) and what the heartbeat was (162 bpm) and Kellin was able to come in and she showed us our baby, where it had been sitting and why that was bad, and we got to see it's little heart beating. We left feeling so blessed and so excited that we started calling everyone who prayed for us and told them the good news.

We are now 15 weeks along and I am feeling good. I was blessed with no morning sickness, just very tired and that has been getting better since we started the 2nd trimester. It is still hard to believe that in 6 months we will be having a baby, when we thought we would never be able to, but we are very excited. Everyone has been asking us if we are still going to adopt, and the answer is yes, but I will save the update on that for the next blog, which will be coming soon.

The Move

So, I had planned to do this update a long time ago but somehow just didn't get around to it. Well, we are living in Altona and you might be wondering how that happened. Kellin was laid off in Jan. and we both felt he should go back to school full time. Although I was only working part time and we just built a new house, that is exactly where we felt God calling us and we both had complete peace about it. We sold our house which was a huge blessing and moved in with my parents (another huge blessing)
With Kellin being only one course left to graduate plus his practicum, we felt that it was time for him to start applying for ministry positions. So for about 5 months he applied for at different churches and organizations and in the end it was between to Youth Pastor positions. It was very hard for us to know which is the one God was calling us to because both were really good. One of the determining factors was really our adoption and how the community would be able to accept these children of a different race.
In the end we chose Altona EMMC. We made our decision at the beginning of August and Kellin started Sept. 1. We had one month to find housing. Since we had already accepted a puppy and with working with youth, we wanted a three bedroom house and that is what we started praying for. The day after the church voted us in, we had a call from one of the members that he had a house with 3 bedrooms. Wow God is amazing.
So now we have been here for about a month and a half and we have met some great people. Still a lot of adjustments and we are really missing our family, friends and youth from back home. But God is taking care of us and he has been so good. Thankfully, we are only and hour and 10 minutes away from Steinbach and hour and a half away from Winnipeg so it isn't too far to see them often.
I am excited about what God is going to do in us and through us to have brought us to this new place.

White + White = Black

We get a lot of things from our parents. Our eyes, our hair, our body type, etc. I have heard that I look like my dad ("You must be Henry Braun's daughter") and my mom ("Your Alice's daughter, right? You look just like her"). We are better at one thing than another, like math or english or mechanics. Some things are taught but some of it just comes in your genes. Before Kellin and I started planning to have kids, I would wonder what they would look like. What parts of Kel and what traits of mine would come from the two of us.

I definitely get my math skills from my dad. I wouldn't say that I love math, but I like it. I'm a logical person and math makes sense, 1+1=2. I have alway seemed to be able to get math. In the last few years, I have learnt to be less logical though, with the help of my husband and the fact that life doesn't always make sense and add up to the right equation. In life, 1 plus 1 doesn't always seem to equal 2. Sometimes, it equals 3 or 1 or 0. Sometimes blue and yellow equals green. But sometimes it equals red or purple and we don't know why. Sometimes white plus white equal black.

I have been thinking a lot lately about our children in Ethiopia. When a baby is born here, one of the first things people say or ask is "Who do they look like?" Whether people think that I look like my mom or my dad doesn't really matter but it identifies me. It will be plain to see in our family that our children where not born to us. Although Kellin can get pretty dark during the summer, I am white (although I am very proud of my watch tan that proves I have some color)and neither of us will be anywhere close to the dark brown of our children. Although my hair is curly, Kellin's is straight, but our children's hair will so curly, unlike anyone of us. I have learnt a wonderful thing from my neices and nephews and that is that even though they come from their parents, they can look like others and have personalities that are very different from their parents. I have one neice in particular who reminds me of Kellin. From the way she bugs her brother, to her love to make people laugh, as well as many other things. They seem to share a special bond with each other and it isn't just because of their genes, it is just how God made them.

So, just like life doesn't always add up, God can make it beautiful. Just like when a man and woman get married 1+1=1 and when they have a baby 1+1=3, 0ur adoption is allowing one white mom and one white dad to have two black babies. And, although they will look nothing like us, God has created them and has them hand picked to be part of our family because that is what he designed.

"Born in our hearts, not in our wombs"

Not sure where this quote is from but I love it and it perfectly describes where my children are now. Though they are not with me and may not even be born, they are in our hearts.

Agency Bankrupt

So, most people have probably heard about the adoption agency that went bankrupt. First of all for those of you who don't know, our adoption is going through CAFAC (Canandian Advocate for the Adoption of Children), so it was not our agency that this happened to. It is so devastating to hear about and I can only partly imagine what these families are going through. The only way I can describe it for people who have kids, is that it would be somewhat like carrying your child for nine months and then losing them at the end. My heart goes out to these families and hopefully the Ontario government, as well as Canadian adoption agencies can help out these families so that all is not lost. Remember these families in your prayer.

The Broken Road

Sometimes it feels like a very lonely road when everyone around you is having baby after baby after baby. People don't really ask anymore, but we used to get questions all the time like "when we were going to have a family?", or comments like "you guys are next to have kids". I wanted to tattoo my forhead with "Don't Ask!" or where a name tag that says "Infertility". There have been times when it has been so frustrating because when I would get together with other women that was all they talk about, between pregnancies and labour to the latest thing their child has done. I have always felt like an outsider looking in.

I haven't experienced childbirth, or morning sickness, or a miscarriage, or any of the discomforts of pregnancy. But on they other side, I've never felt the movement of life living and growing inside of me. I've never held my newborn baby after carrying it for nine months and knowing that this child needs me and I created it. I've never had a child come to me after being hurt and wanting a kiss because only mommy can make it go away. There is bond between children and their mothers that I see in those around me, a bond that I long for.

I hate to admit it but I used to wished that all women would experience difficulty getting pregnant so that they would know what it was like to be on this side of things. But when I really thought about it and the pain I have felt through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is like saying everyone should lose their parents at a young age, or have a close friend die of cancer. It is hard and painful, and how can I wish pain on someone else.

So, why do I struggle with getting pregnant when others don't even need to try? This is the question I have asked myself for a long time. I don't know the answer, at least not the whole answer but I know that there is a reason and that God designed me this way.

One reason that I believe that we have had this stuggle is so that we can adopt our children from Ethiopia. God has 2 beautiful children waiting for us that are going to be perfect for our family and it feels like they are taking forever to get here, but it is in God's timing.

Another reason that has become so evident to me over the years is how many people we have met and been able to make connections with because of our struggle. As much as it seems and feels like we are alone on this road, especially since just about all our friends have families now, there are others who are struggling with this as well. In the past, I have really struggled sharing about this with others and I just held it inside. But I have been so blessed by hearing others struggle with infertility and how they are dealing with it and I hope that I can do the same for others.

I heard of a couple who has not been able to have kids and how bitter they have become because of it. I saw in myself how bitter I was becoming. It made me angry at everyone for something that was not their fault. Bitterness is so ugly to people looking from the outside, but also on the inside and is an easy road to go down and hard to climb back up. But the more I shared with others and realize the blessings inside of our struggle the easier it was to accept.

I love the song "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts. It just reminds me that all the roads we are on can help shape us and make us into better people and bring us back or closer to God. Too often we are too busy looking at the road to see the beauty around it.

Looking Back

Today is our 5th anniversary. Wow, the time flies by and yet sometimes if feels like it has been way longer (that may be because we have been together for 9 years). It has been full of good times and bad, richer and poor, better or worse, sickness and health. I don't know what the next 5, 10, etc. years will hold, but I know that we have come through so much and if we can handle that, we can get through much more, with God's help of course. I definitely didn't think that we would be where we are at today, though.

When we first got married and talked about kids, we had thought that we would wait 5 years before we would start trying. We wanted 4 kids and we thought that maybe, once our kids were older, we would like to adopt internationally. Life has a funny way of working out and God doesn't always follow our plans (rarely in fact). But in this time we have grown so much closer, learnt so much about ourselves, done things we would not have been able to do and had the chance to meet and talk to people who have similar stories as ours.

So, here we are 5 years later. Instead of waiting 5 years, we started trying to get pregnant 3.5 years ago. We both love children and finally decided at that time that we both wanted to start a family (we took turns being ready before that). After, not being able to get pregnant, we started talking about other options and it has been 1.25 years since we started the adoption process.

We don't know how long it will be, but just like we have trusted God through the hard times of our marriage, we are trusting him with the timing of our children (as hard as that is). The count down is at about 14-16 months till referral (but who's counting). Already the wait is getting longer for others behind us, so it might be longer for us as well. Luckily, we have been very distracted with many different things going on in our lives to get too stressed out about the wait. Still, they are always on my mind. What will they look like? Will we have boys or girls or one of each? How am I going to learn to do their hair? What age will they be? What can I buy a head of time? etc. This is the fun part, because I can think of so many different scenerios and all of them would be wonderful.

Besides the waiting for our children, Africa has really been on my heart and mind recently. We were there 1 1/2 years ago and we loved it (that's what lead us to international adoption) and we would love to go back. Soon, very soon. But until then, I just try to prepare myself, as much as I can, for my children. And I am so happy to have the support and love from friends and family around us.

Adoption T-Shirt Fundraiser

So, after waiting for about 2 months for our t-shirts to come in, they are here. Yeah! Kellin and I were so excited we both wore them to youth yesterday. We are selling t-shirts (see picture) for our adoption. They are designed by missionthreads, who sell all sorts of t-shirts. They started making t-shirts for their adoption from Ethiopia and now help others who are fundraising. By buying a t-shirt, you can support us and be reminded of our adoption every time you wear it. It is a minimum donation of $25.00 per shirt. I have added a paypal button on the side for easy payment or you can just let me know and pay cash or cheque to me. Thanks for your support for us in this process. We will also be selling a different design down the road, designed by my sister Lori. So keep your eyes open for it.

Adoption support group

On Sunday, we went to our first meeting with an adoption support group. I was quite nervous since I had to go on my own and Kellin met me there later on. There were 4 other couples there. One adopted from China a year and a half ago and the rest were in the process of adopting through Ethiopia. Among them, we are the furthest along in our adoption process, so they had a lot of questions that I really didn't know the answers to. There was going to be another couple there who had adopted from Ethiopia. I was anticipating asking them a lot of questions, but I did get some ideas and information from the couple that had already adopted, even though the country requirements and such are different. She had recorded everything as it happened so she could tell us when they had completed different parts of the process. I had always planned on doing this but didn't. I will have to get on this before I forget.

I am really excited about getting to know other people who are in the process and know what we are going through. And of course having friends for our children who will know what they are going through as an adoptee in a multiracial family.

The Beginning

Well, this is my first time blogging. I started this blog to share our adoption journey with friends, family and others who are adopting. Kellin and I have always wanted to have children. We have been trying for over three years and have not been able to have any on our own. We talked about adopting even before we got married but thought that we would adopt once our children were older. I have irregular periods and even when I do get it, I don't always ovulate. We went to a specialist about a year and a half after we started trying. He thought that fertility pills would work for us and we were going to try it after we got back from our missions trip to Africa. When we were there, we fell in love with the kids and we both decided to go ahead with the adoption instead of the fertility pills. Some people wonder why we didn't do both, but it was better for us just to focus on one thing at a time. We may try the pills later, but for now we are excited about the adoption. We started the process a year ago in May. That is when we went to an adoption seminar. It was a great time and we learnt a lot. We decided that we want to get two children right away, because we have always wanted more than one child. We are hoping for at least one under 12 months and either a twin or a sibling under 4 years old. It took a while for us to get all our paperwork done and we finished the homestudy in October 2008. Our dossier was finished in January 2009 and now it is officially in Ethiopia. We got the news last week that we are on the waiting list. Yipee! Unfortunately, the waiting list to get a referral is about 16-18 months right now. So now we are waiting for the referral and to bring our children home.